Offbeat Small Business Ideas

Hi!  Here is my latest for Robious Corridor Magazine, "Offbeat Small Business Ideas."  This is what happens when you ask a liberal arts girl to write about small business.

10-05-2012 Libby McNamee OFFBEAT SMALL BUSINESS IDEAS For all you budding entrepreneurs out there, I’m about to share some promising small  business ideas that you’re welcome to pursue. Of course they may be a tad unorthodox, so putting these cutting edge concepts into action could pose a potential challenge. (OK, I’ll man up to you. There may be multiple challenges on multiple levels.)  Due to my generous nature I will not charge any royalty fees based on your financial success with one proviso. You must agree not to sue if your well intentioned pursuits end up in death,dismemberment, or something in between. By the way, these ideas are all strictly confidential, so let’s just keep it among us peeps along the Robious Corridor. We don’t want any West Enders running away with the prize, do we? THE TASER TOT Without further ado, my brainchild to share with you is the revolutionary TASER TOT! I’ve been mulling over this idea for years now, and I must (humbly) say it’s downright brilliant. It even makes Harry Potter’s Nimbus 2000 look so very 2000, which I guess it is. Anyway, this pearl of an idea is not to be confused with a mere tater tot, although tater tots do hold a special place dear to my heart and waistline. For all you parents of young kids out there, the TASER TOT is the product of your dreams. This, my friends, is none other than a kid-friendly taser gun. Yes, I know this sounds like an oxymoron and definitely not “pc” in this world of helicopter parents buzzing around theiryoung offspring. Before passing judgment, though, imagine this scenario. Unfortunately it won’t take too much creativity on your part if you have ever spent much time with a toddler. Let’s say  your normally sweet tot is way overtired yet cannot manage to settle down and go to sleep. As a result he/she is utterly miserable, not to mention you, your family, and your immediate neighbors who are boarding up their windows as fast as their hands can hammer in the dark. To make matters worse, the fact that the little guy is so overtired makes it even harder for him to doze off. (Funny how that works, but that is the grim reality.) So with a benevolent (teetering on nefarious) smile, you pull out your handy-dandy TASER TOT. Then you, well, you taser him -- with love of course. The effect is immediate and instantaneous SLEEP. There is no more drama, no more screaming, and no more tantrums or belligerent behavior. And your kid won’t act up anymore either. That is because he is now perfectly content and fast asleep in Dreamland, a wonderful place for a toddler to spend some time.  Voila! He wakes up hours later, refreshed, relaxed, and a happy-go-lucky toddler onceagain. It’s a win-win, all thanks to the ingenious TASER TOT. THE REVERSE TASER TOT Although it’s hard to conceptualize, there are times when you do NOT want your small child to fall asleep. These moments are rare yet strategically crucial for your emotional stability and those within your path. Think of having no food in the house (or wine) and then heading to the grocery store only to realize with horror that your wee one has nodded off along the way. Dang it! This is when you calmly whip our your wonderful REVERSE TASER TOT.  With that same benevolent-borderingon- depraved smile, you do what you have to do, you reverse taser him -- with love once again. Proceed on your merry way, gathering food and nourishment for your family at a rapid pace. Then it’s glorious naptime when you get home and the perfect time to crack open that bottle of wine. *It would be great to combine the REVERSE TASER TOT with the original TATER TOT as one compact model. In this scenario the REVERSE TASER TOT would operate as a separate gear to the original TASER TOT. Investigate the option of travel size as well for busy families always on the go. THE ROBO-MOMMY The ROBO-MOMMY is the answer to lots and lots of prayer. She volunteers at school in your place without a single gripe all year long. She’ll even volunteer to be the room mother! (Tennis skirt not included.) Even better, the ROBO-MOMMY is programmed to look and act exactly like you, so no one is ever the wiser. It’ll be our little secret! The ROBO-MOMMY also loves to cook epicurean meals and clean just about anything over and over again. Thanks be to robotics, she is also programmed with Martha Stewart-like cleaning abilities. Just when you think it can’t get any better, she is also a homework maven, hard-wired with patience galore and a special aptitude for math and foreign languages. For those with multiple school-age children, consider several ROBO-MOMMIES. Just make sure to have lots of D batteries on hand. You sure don’t want to run out of juice the night before the geometry final! * If possible, configure the ROBO-MOMMY so the benefits of her rigorous gym workouts transfer back to the “real” mommy’s body. Just think of the miles ROBO-MOMMY could log in early in the morning before making the kids’ lunches! THE ROBO-DADDY Daddies are also overworked and in high demand. Since they are so valuable, they need their own special clone as well. With the ROBO-DADDY, Daddy really can be everywhere and still hold down a job. He’ll be home for dinner every night by 5:30 PM without fail, he’ll attend every PTA meeting, and he will happily coach the kids’ soccer teams. (Yes, I mean “teams” in the plural. Amazing, huh?) He will no longer be distracted by the endless “honey-do” list or spend hours mowing the lawn on Saturday afternoon. For you daddies out there, ROBO-DADDY could change your life! Hey, it could even work for a weekly night out with the guys… DOODIE-BUSTERS! When there’s a diaper blowout that’s making you want to hurl, who ya gonna call? DOODIE-BUSTERS! This incredible company will arrive with the speed of an ambulance struck on crack. Don’t worry about prepping the area with air-freshener – they’ll be clad in full HAZMAT gear, complete with gas masks. (Just assure the kids that these entrepreneurs are not affiliated with Darth Vader in any way.) Open 24 hour a day and seven days a week, DOODIE-BUSTERS! is always ready to answer the call of “doodie.” They get the job done, all without making a stink. There is nothing that DOODIE BUSTERS! can’t handle. They will take on potty training accidents, long ignored litter boxes, cat barf, clogged toilets, stinky socks, and even Chia pets from the back of your frig. They will also disinfect your home after the swine flu has ravaged everyone in your home. Hope these ideas have gotten your entrepreneurial juices flowing! Remember you promised not to sue if your clinical trials go awry, right?